On the Contented Life

This morning I was once again thinking about how to “shape” my life, how to prioritize, what matters. This led me to pick up Singer’s book with the wonderful title “On the Contented Life”¹ again, a text he wrote around 1923 (!). It also led to an interesting tought experiment with ChatGPT-4:

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User: Good day. What do you make of the following: “on the contented life”?

Assistant: Good day! The phrase “on the contented life” brings to mind discussions about what it means to live a life filled with satisfaction and peace. This concept often involves understanding and accepting one’s circumstances, focusing on the positive aspects of life, and finding joy in the simple things. It might also include the pursuit of personal passions, meaningful relationships, and a sense of purpose. Philosophers and thinkers throughout history, from ancient times to modern days, have explored this topic, suggesting that a contented life is more about one’s internal state and attitudes than external conditions and material possessions.

User: How does “personal mastery” tie into this?

Assistant: Personal mastery is deeply connected to the concept of a contented life. It refers to the continuous process of learning and improvement in all aspects of one’s life, aiming for growth and a deeper understanding of oneself. This concept involves self-awareness, setting personal goals, and working towards them with discipline and resilience. Here’s how it ties into the idea of living a contented life:

1. Self-awareness and Acceptance: Personal mastery encourages individuals to become more aware of their thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. This self-awareness can lead to greater acceptance of oneself, which is a key component of contentment. Understanding and accepting one’s strengths and weaknesses allow for a more peaceful and satisfied life.

2. Continuous Growth: The journey towards personal mastery involves constantly setting and pursuing personal and professional goals. This pursuit of growth can lead to a more fulfilling life, as it aligns one’s actions with their values and aspirations, leading to a sense of achievement and satisfaction.

3. Emotional Regulation: Personal mastery includes learning how to effectively manage emotions. The ability to remain calm and composed in the face of adversity is crucial for maintaining a contented state of mind. It enables individuals to handle stress, setbacks, and challenges more effectively, contributing to overall well-being.

4. Purpose and Meaning: Part of personal mastery is discovering what truly matters to an individual—identifying their purpose and what gives their life meaning. Engaging in activities that align with one’s purpose can significantly enhance feelings of contentment.

5. Autonomy and Responsibility: Personal mastery empowers individuals to take control of their lives, making conscious choices that reflect their true selves. This autonomy and sense of responsibility for one’s happiness are essential components of a contented life.

In summary, personal mastery isn’t just about achieving specific goals but about developing a mindset and set of skills that foster continuous growth, emotional well-being, and a deeper sense of contentment with life.

User: This must also include acceptance that much cannot actually be “mastered” in a lifetime right?

Assistant: Absolutely, acceptance that not everything can be “mastered” in a lifetime is a crucial aspect of personal mastery itself. This understanding highlights the importance of setting realistic expectations, practicing patience, and maintaining a flexible attitude towards one’s goals and ambitions.

Recognizing the limits of control and embracing the imperfections of life and self are key to finding contentment. It’s about appreciating the journey of growth and learning, rather than solely focusing on the destination or the achievement of perfection. This mindset helps individuals to:

1. Value Progress Over Perfection: Understanding that mastery is an ongoing process encourages continuous learning and growth, rather than feeling defeated by unattainable standards of perfection.

2. Cultivate Resilience: Accepting that some aspects of life and self may never be fully mastered teaches resilience. It encourages adapting to circumstances and finding solutions, rather than being overwhelmed by challenges.

3. Embrace Change: Recognizing that life is a series of changes and that mastery is not a static achievement allows individuals to remain open to new experiences and learning opportunities.

4. Prioritize What Matters: This acceptance helps individuals focus on what is truly important and attainable, leading to a more targeted and satisfying pursuit of personal and professional goals.

5. Foster Compassion and Self-Kindness: Understanding the limits of mastery can lead to greater compassion towards oneself and others, as it acknowledges the common human experience of imperfection and struggle.

In essence, personal mastery involves a balance between striving for improvement and accepting the inherent limitations of control and perfection. This balance is key to living a contented and fulfilling life.

User: That is plausible and leads to two follow-up questions: is there a better word than “mastery”, one that doesn’t allude to slavery and how “gender neutral” is this topic, as in do men and women equally strive for “personal mastery”?

Assistant: The term “mastery” indeed carries historical connotations that some may find problematic. An alternative term that avoids these connotations and better encapsulates the concept of continuous personal growth and development could be “personal development” or “self-actualization.” These terms emphasize ongoing improvement and the realization of one’s potential without the implication of control or dominance that “mastery” might suggest. “Self-actualization” particularly aligns with the idea of achieving one’s fullest potential, as discussed in psychological theories like Maslow’s hierarchy of needs².

Regarding the gender neutrality of striving for personal development or self-actualization, the concept itself is universal and applies to all individuals, irrespective of gender. However, the way in which people pursue personal growth and the areas they focus on can be influenced by a variety of factors, including cultural norms, societal expectations, and individual life experiences. These factors can shape the goals, values, and challenges that men, women, and non-binary individuals face on their paths to personal development.

Societal expectations and gender roles can impact the opportunities and barriers individuals encounter. For example, women may face specific challenges related to balancing career aspirations with societal expectations around caregiving roles. Men, on the other hand, might contend with societal pressures regarding emotional expression and vulnerability, which can affect their personal growth journeys.

Despite these differences, the pursuit of personal development or self-actualization is fundamentally gender-neutral, focusing on the universal human desire for growth, fulfillment, and the realization of one’s potential. It’s important to approach this topic with an understanding of the diverse experiences and challenges different individuals may face, advocating for a supportive environment that encourages personal growth for everyone, regardless of gender.

User: Thanks for helping me think this through.

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UPDATE: Today (December 27, 2024) I revisited this discussion and followed up with more thoughts

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User: looking at the conversation above, how would you say the “purpose” in the following paragraph can be “found”?

1. Purpose and Meaning: Part of personal mastery is discovering what truly matters to an individual—identifying their purpose and what gives their life meaning. Engaging in activities that align with one’s purpose can significantly enhance feelings of contentment.

Assistant: The “purpose” described in the paragraph can be found through a process of introspection, experimentation, and alignment with personal values, passions, and strengths. Here’s a structured approach to discovering one’s purpose:

1. Self-Reflection:
   • Consider what activities, experiences, or causes make you feel fulfilled, energized, and deeply engaged.
   • Reflect on your values and beliefs—what principles guide your life? Identifying these can help clarify what you stand for and what brings meaning to your actions.
2. Identify Strengths and Passions:
   • Think about your natural talents and skills—what do you excel at or enjoy doing? Often, purpose is tied to activities where you feel both competent and inspired.
   • Explore your passions—what topics or activities consistently capture your interest and evoke enthusiasm?
3. Examine Life Experiences:
   • Look at past experiences that were particularly meaningful or impactful. What patterns or themes emerge?
   • Consider challenges you’ve overcome. These can often point to areas where you might feel a desire to contribute or create change.
4. Engage with Others:
   • Talk to trusted friends, mentors, or family members who know you well. They might provide insights into what they see as your strengths or where you seem happiest.
   • Volunteer, network, or join communities aligned with your interests to expose yourself to new perspectives and opportunities.
5. Experiment and Iterate:
   • Try out different roles, hobbies, or projects that align with your interests and values. Purpose often emerges through action and exploration rather than abstract thought.
   • Be open to adjusting your path as you gain new experiences and insights.
6. Consider the Bigger Picture:
   • Ask yourself how you want to contribute to the world or the lives of others. Often, purpose is connected to the impact you have beyond yourself.
   • Reflect on what legacy you’d like to leave behind—what would make you proud to have achieved or contributed?
7. Accept Evolution:
   • Understand that purpose is not static. It can evolve as you grow and your circumstances change. Allow yourself the flexibility to refine your sense of purpose over time.

Finding purpose is deeply personal, and the journey can take time. It’s not about arriving at a final, fixed answer but about engaging with life in ways that feel meaningful and aligned with your inner self.

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User: at fifty, renewed doubt might occur, even after having previously felt purpose and meaning. Which of the above or else might still apply, to deal with doubt for example?

Assistant: At fifty, or at any stage in life, renewed doubt about purpose and meaning is a natural part of growth and self-reflection. Life circumstances, priorities, and values can shift over time, prompting a reassessment of what once felt certain. Many of the steps outlined earlier still apply, but they may take on a different flavour when addressing doubt. Here’s how these and additional approaches can help:

Steps to Address Doubt and Renew Purpose

1. Revisit Self-Reflection:
   • Re-examine your values and passions. Over the years, some of these may have evolved or become clearer. Ask yourself if your current life aligns with what matters most to you now.
   • Reflect on what has changed—whether it’s personal, professional, or situational—and how these changes influence your sense of purpose.
2. Acknowledge and Accept Doubt:
   • Understand that doubt is a natural part of personal growth. It’s a sign that you’re questioning and evolving, which can lead to deeper understanding and renewal.
   • Be kind to yourself. Accept that periods of uncertainty are not failures but opportunities to re-evaluate and grow.
3. Engage in Experimentation:
   • Doubt often arises when routine or stagnation sets in. Trying new activities, roles, or challenges can reawaken curiosity and reveal unexpected sources of meaning.
   • Explore interests you may have set aside earlier in life or that align with your current stage of life.
4. Connect with Others:
   • Seek out people who inspire you or share similar values. Conversations with friends, mentors, or even new acquaintances can offer fresh perspectives.
   • Consider joining groups or communities that align with causes or interests that resonate with you now.
5. Reflect on Your Legacy:
   • Think about what you want your next chapter to represent. What kind of impact would you like to make in the years ahead? This long-term perspective can clarify priorities.
6. Seek Meaning in the Present:
   • Doubt often arises from focusing too much on the “big picture.” Instead, look for purpose in day-to-day life: meaningful interactions, small achievements, or acts of kindness.
   • Practising mindfulness can help ground you in the present and rekindle appreciation for life’s subtler joys.
7. Learn from Past Transitions:
   • Reflect on previous times when you experienced doubt or change. What strategies helped you navigate those periods? Often, looking back can provide clues for moving forward.
8. Consult with a Guide:
   • Sometimes, doubt can be overwhelming. Speaking with a coach, counsellor, or therapist can provide tools and insights to help you reassess and refocus.
9. Reframe Purpose:
   • Purpose does not have to be singular or grandiose. It can be multi-faceted, encompassing personal growth, relationships, and small contributions to the world. Recognizing this can relieve the pressure to find one overarching “calling.”

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Dealing Specifically with Doubt

Doubt can feel unsettling, but it is also a powerful catalyst for growth. It’s essential to normalise the experience and see it as part of the ongoing journey of personal development. By engaging in reflection, staying open to new experiences, and seeking connection, you can transform doubt into an opportunity for renewal and deeper self-understanding.

Remember, purpose is not something you find once and hold onto forever—it’s a living, evolving aspect of your life. At fifty, renewed doubt might not mean you’ve lost your purpose but rather that you’re ready to discover a new one.

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User: It is tricky to be content, to find purpose, yet acknowledge that in the bigger scheme a single person is nothing really.

Assistant: You’re absolutely right—it’s a profound and complex tension to hold: seeking contentment and purpose while recognising the vastness of the universe and the relative insignificance of a single individual. This perspective has been explored by philosophers, poets, and thinkers throughout history, and it resonates deeply with the human condition. Here’s how these seemingly contradictory truths might be reconciled:

1. Finding Meaning in the Small

While one person may seem insignificant on a cosmic scale, meaning often emerges in the microcosm of daily life. A smile shared, a kindness extended, or a creative act can hold profound importance within our immediate circles. Even if these actions don’t change the universe, they can transform relationships, communities, and individual lives. In the end, meaning doesn’t have to scale to be meaningful.

2. Shifting Focus from Outcome to Experience

Purpose doesn’t have to be about achieving something grand or enduring. Instead, it can be found in the experience of living—savouring a moment, engaging with curiosity, or pursuing passions. By focusing on the quality of experiences rather than their long-term impact, the journey itself becomes meaningful.

3. Embracing the Paradox

Rather than resisting the tension between individual smallness and the search for purpose, we can embrace it. Acknowledging both the enormity of the universe and the significance of our small actions allows for a richer, more nuanced view of existence. This paradox invites humility without negating the value of our efforts.

4. Recognising Interconnectedness

Though a single person may seem insignificant, each individual is part of a vast web of connections. Your actions ripple outward, affecting others in ways you may never fully understand. Purpose can be found in contributing positively to this interconnected whole, even in seemingly small ways.

5. Adopting a Cosmic Perspective

The realisation of our smallness can be freeing rather than nihilistic. If nothing truly monumental is expected of us in the grand scheme, we’re liberated to live authentically, without the crushing weight of needing to matter on a universal scale. This perspective can lead to a more playful and present engagement with life.

6. Exploring Existential Philosophy

Thinkers like Viktor Frankl and Albert Camus addressed this very tension. Frankl found purpose in individual meaning, even amid suffering³, while Camus suggested we must imagine Sisyphus—forever pushing his boulder up the hill—as happy⁴. Both highlight that meaning is something we create, not something bestowed by the universe.

7. Living for the Immediate and Eternal Simultaneously

While acknowledging our smallness in the grand scheme, we can still act as though our lives matter immensely in the here and now. The paradox of being both a fleeting moment and a participant in eternity allows us to live with urgency and intention while accepting impermanence.

8. Returning to the Present

When the weight of cosmic insignificance feels overwhelming, returning to the immediacy of the present can anchor us. In the present moment, our joys, struggles, and connections feel real and tangible. Purpose often reveals itself not in grand abstractions but in the groundedness of “now.”

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In Summary

The awareness of being “nothing really” in the grand scheme doesn’t negate the ability to be “everything” to someone or to experience profound moments of meaning and joy. Purpose and contentment might not come from resolving this tension but from learning to live within it. It’s not about transcending insignificance but about flourishing despite, or even because of, it.

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User: One can find meaning and purpose in what we do - and how we affect - others. However if this is the “only” purpose, the self may be lost and the feeling of uselessness might still occur.

Assistant: You’re absolutely correct—while finding meaning and purpose in our relationships and how we affect others can be deeply fulfilling, if this becomes the sole focus, it risks overshadowing the self. A sense of imbalance might arise, leading to feelings of uselessness or emptiness, particularly if external validation or the needs of others dominate our sense of purpose. Balancing external contributions with internal fulfillment is essential for sustaining both purpose and personal well-being.

Here’s how to approach this duality:

1. Purpose Must Include the Self
   • Cultivate Inner Purpose: Engage in activities that bring you joy, curiosity, and personal growth, even if they don’t directly affect others. This might include hobbies, creative pursuits, or moments of solitude.
   • Value Your Existence as Enough: Recognise that your intrinsic worth isn’t tied solely to what you do for others. Simply being—experiencing life, reflecting, and growing—is meaningful.
2. Define Boundaries in Giving
   • Be Selective in Your Efforts: Focus on areas where your contributions are most meaningful and aligned with your values, rather than trying to be everything to everyone.
   • Prioritise Self-Care: Treat time spent on your own growth and well-being as equally important as the time spent on others.
3. Balance Internal and External Purpose
   • Internal: Developing personal mastery, exploring creativity, and pursuing passions that resonate with your identity.
   • External: Helping others, nurturing relationships, and contributing to your community.
4. Acknowledge the Complexity of Purpose
   • Recognise periods where self-discovery and self-care are necessary to recharge and reframe your sense of purpose.
   • Embrace the ebb and flow of purpose—at times, it may lean more heavily toward others, and at others, toward yourself.
5. Detach from Outcomes
   • The Process: Find satisfaction in the act of giving, creating, or contributing, rather than in external outcomes.
   • Intrinsic Motivation: Engage in actions because they align with your values, not because of how they are received or acknowledged by others.
6. Rediscover the Self Through Doubt
   • Reflect on what truly matters to you, beyond external expectations.
   • Seek activities or interests that reignite your inner spark, reminding you of your unique identity and joys.
7. A Holistic View of Purpose
   • For Others: Meaning derived from relationships, service, and impact.
   • For Self: Personal growth, joy, and self-expression.
   • For Existence: The wonder of being alive and experiencing life in its fullness.

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A Final Thought

Purpose is not about choosing between self and others; it’s about integrating the two. Helping others and finding meaning through relationships are important, but they must be grounded in a strong, nourished self. When the self is valued and cared for, the contributions you make to others become more authentic, sustainable, and fulfilling—creating a sense of purpose that honours both your individuality and your connection to the world.

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